I hope to remember.
I want to remember the beams of light that soared through some of my darkest moments. After all, it was this light that carried me forward each day. It was the tiny fingers that grabbed onto me and the big gummy smile that appeared so effortlessly. It was the sound of footsteps running down the hall and the "mommy play with me," as I knew that wouldn't be present for long. It was watching the way their little noses would scrunch and seeing their arms reach up for a hug.
While I was stuck for a moment, simply catching my breath, I couldn't believe my eyes when I opened them again.
All of their ‘firsts’ were so quick to pass, sparing not a moment in time for me to absorb what was my ‘last.’ Baffled by how quickly moments cease to exist, I am met with unwavering gratitude for this life that I live. It is hard to imagine the sadness that existed, it clouded some of these moments: I’m afraid that I missed them.
What felt like a mountain, was only a hill.
I hope to remember how he made me feel. The way he never made me feel inadequate in moments when I knew I was falling short. The way he would hold me in the middle of the night when all I could do was cry. Let me remember the way that he spoke, with compassion and concern, always striving to say the right things. He told the boys that I was beautiful, bold, and nothing short of brave. I hope to remember his gentle heart. The light he provided when my world felt dark.
I hope to remember.
